Change

Did I really change?
If I did, in what way am I different?
Is this change a good thing?

To know that your best friend thinks you've changed, I don't know if that's even a good sign. Best friends are supposed to be the ones who know you best, right? The one you can spill everything to, and know that you won't be judged. The one who has the right words to say to you when you're down. The one you can joke with and then laugh until your stomachs ache so badly and still can't seem to stop laughing, and even if you do, the joke never gets old, somehow. The one who can finish your sentence, or should I say, knows EXACTLY what you're going to say, even if you don't say it out. The one you fight with sometimes and ends up being even closer to you. The one who knows all the pain you carry on your shoulder and carries 'some' for you. The one who instantly makes you feel good just by talking to. The one that you can truly count on. The one you treat like family, because you both know the term 'best friends' isn't enough to describe your relationship.

What happened to us?

As much as I don't want it to sound like an idiot who doesn't know that things DO change and people DO change, I guess it did anyway. What if I tell you that I refuse to accept that it did? That it hurts me to know we changed, that we can't be the same way like before, that I don't feel all that that I used to, anymore?

It's funny, you know, because when I was typing what I think best friends are to me, I was thinking of the pre-change you. The one I spent almost everyday with, for 5 years in secondary school. Why did I think of the pre-change you when I was typing all that? Why..? It's like my brain KNOWS it all already but my heart is just unwilling to ACCEPT it, because it's hurting.

I'm hurting.

I remember how much I needed a best friend when I didn't have one. It was when my best friends and I were drifting apart. I tried my best to keep in touch, afraid of how distance and time will change us, but I couldn't keep up... I failed. I lost.

This loss has caused me pain up until now. What am I supposed to do? What is the right thing to do? How can I make things better?

I am willing to put in time and effort, but will it make things just the way as they were? Will we ever be the same again?

Will we be best friends again?

Signing off,
Cindy.